


KURT: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

by Lady_Anne_ONymous



Series: GLEE Owner's Guides [3]
Category: Glee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-14
Updated: 2019-07-14
Packaged: 2020-06-28 01:13:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19801657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Anne_ONymous/pseuds/Lady_Anne_ONymous
Summary: CONGRATULATIONS!You are now the proud owner of a KURT ELIZABETH HUMMEL unit! Follow the guidelines in this manual and your KURT will give you decades of quality performance.





	KURT: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

CONGRATULATIONS!  
You are now the proud owner of a KURT ELIZABETH HUMMEL unit! Follow the guidelines in this manual and your KURT will give you decades of quality performance.

INSTALLATION  
When you receive your KURT unit, be sure to show him the nearest karaoke and off-Broadway theater. Please check that you have all his accessories (see below) and that you have been issued the proper unit.

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS  
Name: Kurt Elizabeth Hummel  
Age: 18  
School: William McKinley High School  
Hometown: Lima, Ohio  
Sex: Male  
Manufacturers: Burt and Elizabeth Hummel  
Height: 5'10" (1.78 m)  
Weight: insufficient data  
Hair Color: brown  
Eye Color: glasz (blue/green/yellow version of hazel)  
IQ: very bright  
Attention Span: depends on environmental stimulus and accompanying units

OPERATING PROCEDURE  
Your KURT unit has been designed to be user-friendly and proficient. His controls are voice activated. Please state your commands clearly in English or French.  
Remember that your KURT unit is not just sexy; he should have multiple functions.

Music:  
Your KURT unit is quite proficient at piano and is an exemplary singer and dancer. Left to his own devices, he prefers classic Broadway songs. However, with sufficient encouragement, you will be able to get your KURT unit to perform almost any style of music or dance.

Loyalty:  
Once his trust has been earned, your KURT unit will be almost unquestionably loyal, especially to the BURT, CAROLE, FINN, MERCEDES, and PUCK units. He always tries to do what he believes is right, though at times his judgment may seem a bit off.

Personal Relationships:  
Like most units, your KURT model comes with two 'relationship' settings: het and slash. Please keep in mind that the het mode will cause glitches as it is most definitely not a natural setting.

Combat:  
Your KURT unit is not effective at physical combat, though he could certainly be trained. He will, however, be quite happy to eviscerate someone with his vicious, vicious wit.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS  
Your KURT unit will likely form a strong friendship with a MERCEDES unit. For romantic purposes, KURT is best paired with a PUCK or BLAINE unit. He may also form a friendship with a TINA unit, but it is not as natural a relationship as one with MERCEDES would be. Your KURT unit tends to have the following modes:  
(a) Loving  
(b) Disney Prince  
(c) Versace (Your KURT unit will default to this mode if he feels he is not being treated as the very special individual he is and will make your life hell until he forgives you.)  
(d) Mellencamp (This is a rarely used mode that only occurs if you attempt to improperly reprogram him.)

WARNING: As your KURT unit is underage, it is NOT recommended you allow him access to alcohol.

BLAINE:  
After being introduced to a BLAINE unit, your KURT unit may revert to an almost child-like state where all he wants to do is sing and watch Disney movies.

MERCEDES:  
Your KURT will form a very close and lasting relationship with a MERCEDES unit. If you set your KURT to the 'het' setting, a MERCEDES unit is the most likely match. However, they are a much better match as close friends.

PUCK:  
A PUCK unit will very quickly form a close friendship/romance based on his gender preference setting. Beware, there may be a lot of UST between these units units, again based on his gender preference setting! If you wish a relationship between these units, make sure that your KURT unit is set to the 'slash' gender preference setting and the PUCK unit is 'slash' setting as well. (A KURT will not accept a PUCK in 'sex shark' mode.)

FINN: Much as you may wish it, a KURT will not normally form a romantic bond with a FINN unit. If both units are set to 'slash' and they spend great amounts of time together, they may form a romantic bond, but normally they will form a very close, brotherly bond instead.

ACCESSORIES:  
Your KURT unit comes equipped with more accessories than any other model. His default outfit is a pink striped dress shirt, grey skinny jeans, and black leather boots. Also included are a large number of broaches and scarves (number varies based on what accessories package you chose at checkout), several pairs of shoes, and multiple outfits. Depending on which option you chose, your unit may also come with a large selection of face products.

CLEANING  
Your KURT unit, while he is a teenage boy, is incredibly fastidious. He may try to use the shower several times a day. Don't be afraid to assist him in the bathing procedure. He will be happy to show his gratitude for the assistance.

LUBRICATION  
To ensure that your KURT remains in good working order, moving parts should be lubricated regularly.  
Note: A detailed analysis of the correct lubrication of your KURT unit can be provided by either the PUCK unit or the BLAINE unit, each sold separately.

RECHARGING  
After long periods of use, your KURT's energy levels may become depleted. Use the following procedures to recharge your KURT:

Food:  
As a teenage boy, KURT loves junk food, though he will pretend otherwise. When in the company of a PUCK unit, he will even allow himself to eat pizza and other unhealthy foods.

Drink:  
KURT is willing to accept almost any beverage, but prefers a grande nonfat mocha latte when left to his own devices. (Caution, again, should be paid not to give your KURT unit alcohol. He has a tendency to vomit profusely.)

Sleep:  
Your KURT unit requires the average amount of sleep for a teenage boy. For best results, try to make sure he has at least seven hours of sleep a day.

REPROGRAMMING  
The KURT unit is easily reprogrammed, as long as you remain polite and do not yell. Yelling will instantly flip his mood into 'Versace' and you will make absolutely no progress until he forgives you.

SECURITY  
Thanks to the popularity of the KURT unit, it is essential that you observe the following security procedures for the safekeeping of your KURT:  
\- Have your KURT micro-chipped. CAROLE HUDSON-HUMMEL can do this when in nurse mode, or you may sweet-talk your KURT into behaving for a doctor's visit by promising him coffee... or shopping.  
\- Do not leave your KURT unattended in public.  
\- Do not lend your KURT to anyone.

CAUTION: Your KURT unit may tell you that he needs to shop. Please be cautious and review all purchases before handing over your credit card. Though he would never deliberately over-spend your money, he occasionally loses all control when he finds a good deal.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS  
Q: My KURT unit has stopped paying attention to anything I do or say! He just sits there staring at the wall and glaring on occasion. What is wrong?  
A: He has most likely encountered one of the more homophobic units and is angry with their narrow-minded views on life and his sexuality.

Q: Why does my KURT look so tired during the day? He doesn't make a peep during the night!  
A: A PUCK unit has probably been spending the night with him. Remove all sex toys from their possession and he will be more likely to get a sufficient amount of sleep.

Q: Why does my KURT unit keep doing really, really stupid things.  
A: He's a teenage boy. Get used to it. He may grow out of it in about 50 years.

TROUBLESHOOTING  
Problem: My KURT keeps disappearing in the middle of the night.  
Solution: We heartily apologize. You may have accidentally received a KURT unit with some PUCK programming. We call this 'little shit' mode and he is most likely up to no good. You may return your KURT unit for a programming adjustment or you can just be sure to occupy his evenings until he goes to sleep. Making sure he is completely exhausted by the time he goes to sleep is also very helpful.

Problem: My KURT keeps walking around in multiple layers!  
Solution: It is either cold or he is wanting you to slowly undress him, like the gift he is.

Problem: My KURT unit just came home cheering and carrying more bags than I can count. Should I be concerned?  
Solution: That depends on you. Most likely your KURT unit has borrowed your credit card. Unless you have nearly-unlimited funds, you may want to take the risk of putting your KURT in 'Versace' mode and yell at him about spending without permission.

ADDITIONAL INFO  
For questions or concerns not addressed in this guide, please feel free to contact us at our mailing address or email us at:  
GLEEinc@yahoo.com

6969 McKinley Pkwy  
Lima, Ohio 45801

Please call 24/7 for emergencies only at: 800-555-5047


End file.
